The Llama Invasion of Hogwarts
by llama-child
Summary: Two muggle girls with a llama-orb plan set out to conquer the world … including Hogwarts! Even more random than it sounds. First fanfic. Please review!
1. The LlamaOrbs

The Llama Invasion of Hogwarts

_Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling. Duh. If I was, I would be earning a million pounds every few days, not seven bucks a week (makes evil face). I don't own anything to do with Harry Potter. Double duh. Also, I don't own Vanity Fair or Becky Sharp. GAH! But I DO co-own llama-orbs and completely own the character of Grace. Stevè belongs to … well … Stevè._

_Author's note: Inspired after supreme caffeine boost (can you say coffee, chocolate and SPOTANEOUS adrenaline? Huh? Huh? Can you?? Can you??) Also, please note that the word 'laughed' must NOT be pronounced 'larfed', but 'laffed'. Maximum penalty is an attack of llama-orbs. Oh, and 'orbs' must be pronounced 'orrrrbs'. AND PLEEEEAAAASE REVIEW!!!!!!_

_Dedication: Dedicated to the dear Stevè-llama-child … as usual. Who else am I supposed to dedicate my truly random fics to?? (She's the only person I know random enough to consider it an honour …)_

**The Llama-Orbs**

Panting, Grace arrived at the bus stop just as the bus pulled up. She scowled at her watch, which had stopped (again) at six-forty-three that morning. Her friend, Stevè grinned maniacally at her as the boarded the bus together and discovered, to no great surprise, that there were no empty seats. So they dumped their heavy backpacks and stood in the small space between the aisle and the rear door of the bus. Stevè laughed as Grace turned her skirt around the right way and attempted to start her watch again by whacking it. Obviously, Grace knew a lot about the inner workings of watches.

"So, Grace-child," said Stevè. "What is new in your world?"

Grace raised both eyebrows on account of not being able to raise only one.

"Absolutely nothing, Stevè-child," Grace replied. "My life is currently about as interesting at dog-shit."

Stevè nodded wisely.

"Grace-child, you must learn to accept your inner being and use it to assist in the greater good!"

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I dunno. Sounds good."

Grace rolled her eyes. _Pure Stevè_, she thought. _If it doesn't make sense, she's hooked._ But Stevè was on a roll.

"Grace-child, do you know what occurred to me last night?"

"Eh?" replied Grace, who had abandoned whacking her watch and had begun attempting to tie her hair back without a mirror. (A/N: Combined with waking up only fifteen minutes ago, this was a very dangerous exercise. VERY DANGEROUS INDEED.)

"It occurred to me, O-Un-Enlightened-One, that we should invent something."

"Invent what?"

"You know, like in the stupid project we had to do about marketing?"

"Yeah …" (yawn)

"So, what do you think?"

"I think, O-Stevè-child, that everything we have the means to create has already been invented."

"Aha!" said Stevè. "That, child, is where you are wrong. Now tell me, are you familiar with the ancient llama mysteries of Ancient Egypt?"

"What the hell?"

"Me neither."

"So what about these llamas, Stevè-child?"

"ORBS!" yelled Stevè, joyfully. "ORBS!!!!!"

"ORBS!!" yelled Grace, before realising that everyone on the bus was looking at them strangely. But that was nothing new. She waited for Stevè to elaborate.

"You see, Grace-child, great, big, sucky orbs suck everything into them. Like a fly orb!"

"What the hell is a fly orb?"

"Push the on switch and, suck, suck, suck, in come all the little fly-childs!"

Grace wondered whether this particular little experiment would give them as much intellectual stimulation as trying to figure out whether Becky Sharp should have married the fat guy in the first place. Somehow, she doubted it.

"So … LLAMA ORBS!!"

Grace's eyes grew wide and a huge, deranged grin spread itself across her face.

"LLAMA ORBS!!" she said in a high-pitched voice before jumping up and down like the deluded maniac she was. But then the doors opened and she jumped out the door and the bus drove away. Grace chased the bus for the second time that day, finally boarding it and trying to avoid the stony glare of the bus driver.

"Llamas … in orbs! With LEMMINGS!!" said Stevè.

Grace now saw the genius behind the marvelous plot. Maniacal grin spreading across her face, she bent towards Stevè.

"The llamas will rule the earth, Stevè-child. And we shall rule the llamas!!"

The Hogwarts term had just begun in the wizarding world. The excitement of the feast the previous night had begun to wear off, and the students were now setting out for their first classes.

The red-headed girl checked her timetable and groaned. Her first class of fifth year was double Divination with kooky Professor Trelawney. She had hoped that Dumbledore would keep Firenze as the only Divination teacher, but obviously, he had re-employed Professor Trelawney. _That old fraud_, thought the girl.

As she reached the top of the North Tower, Ginny Weasley looked for the familiar ladder that would take her into Trelawney's sweltering classroom. Sighing heavily, she ascended it slowly and sat on one of the pouffes that surrounded the low tables. This year, the Gryffindors had Divination with the Ravenclaws and Ginny noticed Luna Lovegood sitting opposite her – wand tucked away behind her ear, snowpea earrings dangling and an old issue of _The Quibbler_ in her hands. Ginny decided not to bother her and waited for Trelawney to appear.

Eventually, through a cloud of incense smoke, Professor Trelawney made her entrance.

"Welcome, my children," she said in a mystical voice. "This year will bring trials … tribulation … and DEATH! DEATH, I SAY, DEATH!!!"

Ginny yawned. Trelawney shot her an irritated look before swooping down on her and grabbing her hand. The woman began tracing the lines of Ginny's palm.

"I sense misfortune, my dear girl," said Trelawney. "Your life line is breaking … your heart line is irregular, also … my poor child …"

Ginny began wondering if she could stand another year of this. She contemplated committing suicide, but the only method she could come up with was stabbing herself to death with one of Luna's earrings, which she decided would be rather slow and painful. She didn't catch any more of Trelawney's rant until the class erupted in laughter.

"What?" Ginny asked, bewildered.

"Llamas!" cried Professor Trelawney, distraught the Ginny wasn't hanging onto her every word. "I see llamas in your future … and orbs …"

Ginny decided right there that the woman was not only a fraud but a complete nutcase as well.

"Two muggle girls …" Trelawney continued. "They will come …"

At this, Ginny wrenched her hand out of Trelawney's grasp and shot the woman an icy glare. Trelawney, while a bit put out, drew herself up to her full height and continued on.

"This term, we will be focusing on how the future can be read through abstract means, such as the number of hairs on a llama's toenail."

"Do llamas have toenails?" Luna asked.

Trelawney shrugged.

_God help me, please_, thought Ginny.


	2. Plan NegativeToddlerDog

The Llama Invasion of Hogwarts

_Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise (including Harry Potter, PotC, Da Vinci Code, etc.)_

_Claimer: I co-own llama-orbs and Grace. Stevè belongs to Stevè._

_Author's note: Reviews? Hint, hint hint, :)_

**Plan Negative-Toddler-Dog**

Stevè was lying on a beach; drinking rum … wait (slaps self across wrist and tells self to stop watching Pirates of the Caribbean). ANYWAY, Stevè was lying there, peacefully. The waves lapped gently at the shores. She sighed and turned another page of _The Da Vinci Code_ … which she had already read about five times before. But NOBODY must question the inner workings of Stevè's mind … she was just up to the part where Robert Langdon was blowing up the armoured truck when she heard something rather odd … extremely odd. She swore she could hear … ringing. She sat up, looked around and then realized she was dreaming. Her mobile phone was ringing next to her bed.

Groaning, she checked the screen. It was Grace. Stevè glanced at the clock. It was three-twenty-three in the morning. She rolled her eyes and decided there was only one reason for Grace being awake at this time.

"Hel-" Stevè began before being interrupted by a high-pitched squeal.

"Hi, Stevè-child!" squeaked Grace. "Guess what? Guess what??" (pant, pant, pant).

"What?"

"GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT?? GUESS WHAT?? LLAMA-ORBS!!" (pant, pant, pant).

"Grace-child, tell Stevè exactly how much Coke you have just consumed."

"Um," Grace said, panting. "I don't know. But the bottle is nearly empty."

"How big is the bottle?" Stevè asked, praying she had only gotten the 1.25L this time.

"Three litres."

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Nine-thirty."

"Look at the big clock, Grace-child."

"Fuck!"

"You said it, not me. Get new batteries for your watch. I'm ringing the supermarket and telling them to stop stocking three litre bottles of Coke. And go to sleep or you'll miss the bus. It comes in four and a half hours."

"But – LLAMA ORBS!!"

Stevè was about to hang up, but Grace's Coke-induced hyperactive state was contagious.

"YES, GRACE-CHILD, YES!! LLAMA ORBS!!"

"LLAMA ORBS!!!"

"LLAMA ORBS!!!!"

"LLAMA ORBS!!!!!"

"LLAMA OR- Wait!" Stevè hesitated. "How does one construct a llama-orb, Grace-child?"

Grace immediately launched into a long-winded explanation that seemed to have something to do with psychotic toddlers and methane gas from squirrels.

"Is there any other option?" Stevè asked, worried.

"There is," Grace replied. "Plan Negative-Toddler-Dog."

"Why is it called that?"

"Sounds cool."

"Point taken."

Grace went on to explain the new plan. Stevè marveled at her friend's genius, although she suspected it might have something to do with the fact that she appeared to be reading straight out of their science book.

"Grace-child, are you reading out of our science book?"

"Guilty."

"Is it telling you how to construct a llama-orb or the properties of alleles, Grace-child?"

"Read between the lines, Stevè-child."

"There ain't nothing between the lines."

"That's because I wrote it in my book a while ago. I haven't had a chance to modify yours yet."

Stevè was about to whack herself over the head in frustration, but then decided that Grace wasn't worth losing brain cells over. Instead, she took a deep breath and asked her friend to explain exactly what she had written. As Grace began to talk, Stevè again realized the sheer simplicity and brilliance of the plan. All they needed was an absolutely massive magnet and a piece of metal inside every llama in the world. But, Stevè decided, they would worry about that in the morning … or at least when the sun came up.

Ginny walked down to breakfast in the Great Hall. She had brightened up considerably after the previous day (the worst one in history), which had consisted of Divination, Potions, History of Magic and Study of Ancient Runes, which had been especially hard coming off the holidays. Nevertheless, it cheered her up even more to see her older brother, Ron, his best friend, Harry Potter and Ginny's own friend, Hermione Granger. The two were close, despite Hermione being a year older than Ginny.

The group of Gryffindors all sat down together and began to discuss what the years might bring.

"It's my O.W.L. year this year!" Ginny groaned.

"It's not that bad," Hermione advised, sympathetically.

Ron stared at Hermione in amazement.

"Yes, it is!" she said, indignantly.

"Well, I bet Harry's going to battle Voldemort again, but not kill him," Hermione said.

"What?!" choked Harry.

"Well, you can't defeat him this year; otherwise there'll be no really bad bad guy in the seventh book!"

"There are books about Harry?" Ron asked.

"Duh."

Ginny laughed dutifully before returning to her breakfast, but she wasn't hungry. She had wondered about Trelawney's prediction since yesterday's class. True, it was absurd, and also true, it was in Trelawney's nature to border on utter insanity. But some niggling feeling inside Ginny (let's call it feminine intuition) told her that Professor Trelawney was teaching at Hogwarts for a reason.

It took Ginny about thirty seconds to realize that somebody was standing behind her.

"They will come," said Luna.

"Eh?" said Ginny, confused.

"The llamas."

"Luna, are you okay?"

Luna raised her eyebrows, which made her already protuberant eyes stick out even further.

"Are any of us really okay?"

And then she left, leaving Ginny to her troubled thoughts.


End file.
